She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!