we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
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finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.