This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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