We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
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Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.