I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
