I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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