Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
