Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
