Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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