How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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