The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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