Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
