i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
