the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
