the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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