bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
