just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
