apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
