Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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