saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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