This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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