The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
