I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
