Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
