I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
