I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
