My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Houston, we have a squirter
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
