god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
