so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
