I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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