i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
