Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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