It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
