Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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