i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
