I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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