dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
