wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
