So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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