I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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