peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
