She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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