I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
