Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
