I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
