All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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