Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
