Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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