I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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