happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was confusing and full of hummus
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
