don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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