Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
