Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
soo... how was my night?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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