i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
