Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
