i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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