It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
