I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
