I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
