I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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