apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
