May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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