I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
