Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
