The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
