cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
