Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
